What is unconditional love? What does it mean to accept someone for all that they are or are not?

On one hand, it could truly mean you love a person to bits. That you see all their mistakes, fall backs, bad qualities and everything that is ever negative about them and you love them for even all of that. You love the whole package.

Thats a toughie i think.

On another hand, i wonder if one just overlooks mistakes and faults of a person when they say they love you unconditionally. Of course, they will get annoyed when your faults or mistakes affect them directly one day. Id be surprised to see someone say, 'I still love you even for your faults' when you have just screwed up with their lives. But they just dont think too much about your faults, they just push it all out of their range of perception for the time being.

Well, we are all humans, entitled to judgements, feelings, emotions.

But i personally think, its the latter thats dangerous. When they overlook your faults, they are not accepting you for all that you are. Not only are they not accepting, they are choosing to ignore what they do know about you, importantly, because it is something they dont like and so dont want to think about. Which means, its still there at some obscure corner of the helpless human mind, it will come out full force when small issues build up, it will explode and, ultimately, hurt and ruin lives.

Id rather someone not love me at all, then feign ignorance of my faults and one day have it come chasing at my back.

Just a thought, just a little mindless analysis.

Suffocated...

I feel suffocated, like i cant breathe freely. Something is at my throat, squeezing it, making it difficult for every intake of precious life thats air. And this something is all the expectations around me, about me.

So, this is our family and this is how we should live, ought to live. We have values, principles. and we stick by them, we respect them and they in turn bring us respect.

Wait...

Im not so sure about the last part anymore. These values seem to be doing nothing much for us because they are excessive, they are outdated and they do not apply to the current world anymore.

All they have ever done for me is to deprive me of unforgettable memories i should have had of my school days, precious moments of elation and carefree joy i should have experienced during my teenage years, learning points of courage and maturity i should have been proud of during times of mistakes and errors.

I was never allowed to enjoy the things other teens enjoyed, never allowed the carefree laughter the others indulged in. Always had to think of repercussions, always had to worry about what my parents would say, whether they would like it or not. Whether families like ours did such things or not.

I was never allowed to make mistakes. So when am i going to learn?

All this is coming to me so strongly now, because i realised that even after so many years we are counting money to spend on anything, im having to stifle myself and forgo my holidays just to work my ass off for a dream i want to realise.

And there is an obstacle at every point, at every step i take. And im finding it hard and im getting tired.

True, i dont have the kind of problems many do. I do not have a dysfunctional family, my parents try hard to provide me with anything i want.

But thats the problem, that we still have to try very very hard for every minor thing we want. and why is that? because we are still hung up on certain values and principles that are huge ass boulders in the path to success we are taking.

And im feeling the whole brunt of it. Because im a girl and im born in this family.

I know after a while when ive cooled down, all these thoughts of mine will seem silly to me and ill ask myself why im so childishly angry about these things. But i wonder which one is really temporary, the anger or the cooling down....

Sometimes, the who world seems empty. As if im the only one left on earth.

'I turn my head to the east
i dont see nobody by my side
i turn my head to the west
Still nobody in sight'

And a silence pervades. Even in a crowded train with people talking and laughing. Sometimes i only see their lips move and their teeth show. But i hear no sound.

Sometimes, i wonder if ive stopped feeling.

Life is as one wants to see it, as one wants it to be. A person could make bad out of everything good and make good out of everything bad. Wear a tinted glass and you see a tinted world.

Trust and a friend are hard to gain back once lost.

Ive lost the trust.

You have lost a friend.

The feeling of one's head about to burst with so many thoughts and concerns.
The feeling of one's brains straining against the skull and wanting to jump out and run away.
So many many concerns, about the self and others.
In a time when everyone is also concerned about the brutal and unjust killing of fellow humans in another part of the globe.

If only one could just leave his or her body for a little while everyday. Just float out, become as light as air and fly out into the world. Fly to a nice peaceful stretch of land covered with fresh healthy green grass. A small stream of sparkling sweet water. Pretty daisies and lilies along the banks. Warm comforting sunshine streaming in through the trees and branches from above. A place to be alone, to stop thinking. A place to just relish nature and its beauty. A place to forget oneself.

Dreaming...

Wouldnt life be wonderful if we could just live our dreams? If we could just really do as we have always wanted to do and be as we have always wanted to be.

But life isnt exactly a fairytale. Not every cinderella gets her prince. Not every ugly frog gets kissed by a beautiful princess and turns into a hot looking dude. Not every beast transforms into a handsome prince by a humble girl's love. And people just need to realise these things.

That doesnt mean one stops dreaming. Dream, dream to fly, dream to love, dream for the sky, dare to dream. But also be prepared to work your ass off for that dream. Cos in real life, no motherly fluffy-frocked fairy godmother is gonna give you your dream with the wave of a wand. You need to sweat for it.

Even if one gets all that he or she wants without the sweat, how much happiness will one have? The harder one works for what he wants, the more joy one gets at achieving it. The more bitter the work, the sweeter success.

People just gotta face reality. Not accept it as it is and lay back and let it happen, but face it first and then work to make things better. Dont wait for that prince in white horse, he may never come. If you have to, then you gotta kiss yourself to life! lol

Time has flown past so fast. Its hardly digestable.

I still remember my primary school days. The boy in class who was also my neighbour putting me in trouble with the principle. I remember the numerous times i had to change schools and adjust to each one each time. Trying to make friends. Losing one very close one in P5 and getting totally broken about it. Those were the times when the other girl felt jealous that this girl is so close with the girl whom she wants to be best friends with. The way little trivial things like not sitting next to each other, not having lunch with each other, not partnering while walking in two staright lines all meant she is no longer my friend anymore. hah. Those were funny days.

I remember my secondary school days. The lonliness, the mundaness of everyday life. Trying to run away from the fact that one was not accepted by the people they had to face everyday. The days of indulgence in books, books and more books. Then the days in India that changed everything about me and my life. That made me regain my trust in people and relationship. Then my JC days where i had few but really close friends. The days of good and bad, joy and tears and many more life lessons learnt in that short span of blurry period.

And today all of a sudden im an undergrad. In a university. Studying and working part time. Almost a woman. No longer a girl. When did this happen? When did i become a woman from being a girl? What does it take to be a woman?
The usual answers are something like love, marriage, kids, job, household chores, cooking...
I have gone through none of these. But i still feel like a woman. And i understand and appreciate what it meas to be a woman. I draw strength from my feminity.

I am a woman. I know what i want in my life. I know what ill stand for and what i wont. I have power. The power to find solutions and to cause chaos. Every woman has it. But i know im different from all those women cause i know how to use these powers of mine. And which of these powers to use and when. Though i err as much as every human being does. But i have the strength to right myself.

And these are the things that make this woman.

Disgusted

Its getting increasingly harder to understand the world and the people living in it. Their actions, their mindless decisions, their disregard for fellow human beings. Is it really the world that has changed or has it always been like that and ive just grown up enough to see it for what it is? I don't know.

Is it really so hard to control your emotions? Especially when you know they would bring abt undesirable repurcussions? Have humans become so ruthless to build up a life on the ruins of others' and also want to live such a live happily? The human race has become a disgusting revolting lot. We care for no one, we think about no one, we don't worry about what is right and wrong. We are just self obssessed creatures who can feel only for themselves. I wonder if God this coming when he created us.

Im sorry. Im really sorry.

Give me a valid reason and i shall conform without another word. Try to enforce your values and priciples on me just because you want to assert your authority and im not the girl for it. Conformation that comes due to authority is not permenant. Only one that comes out of love and respect for you will remain till the end. Because you will not have that authority for long. and when you dont have it anymore, you wont recognise me after that. And im the one to decide whether you shall have that authority. The point where the ball is no longer in your court has passed long back, its in my court now. But i chose to let you play.

Im sorry im growing up. Im sorry im having a mind of my own and ive started thinking for myself.Im sorry im seeing the outside world and realising all that ive been missing. Im sorry i have feelings, my own principles and values. and im sorry those are different from yours. Im so sorry i dont fear you anymore and im so terribly sorry its not you who is the one controlling me anymore but my love and respect for you. And im sorry im reaching the brink of it and im very afraid i might lose that love and respect.

But should i be apoligizing? Is all of this even my fault?