Time has flown past so fast. Its hardly digestable.

I still remember my primary school days. The boy in class who was also my neighbour putting me in trouble with the principle. I remember the numerous times i had to change schools and adjust to each one each time. Trying to make friends. Losing one very close one in P5 and getting totally broken about it. Those were the times when the other girl felt jealous that this girl is so close with the girl whom she wants to be best friends with. The way little trivial things like not sitting next to each other, not having lunch with each other, not partnering while walking in two staright lines all meant she is no longer my friend anymore. hah. Those were funny days.

I remember my secondary school days. The lonliness, the mundaness of everyday life. Trying to run away from the fact that one was not accepted by the people they had to face everyday. The days of indulgence in books, books and more books. Then the days in India that changed everything about me and my life. That made me regain my trust in people and relationship. Then my JC days where i had few but really close friends. The days of good and bad, joy and tears and many more life lessons learnt in that short span of blurry period.

And today all of a sudden im an undergrad. In a university. Studying and working part time. Almost a woman. No longer a girl. When did this happen? When did i become a woman from being a girl? What does it take to be a woman?
The usual answers are something like love, marriage, kids, job, household chores, cooking...
I have gone through none of these. But i still feel like a woman. And i understand and appreciate what it meas to be a woman. I draw strength from my feminity.

I am a woman. I know what i want in my life. I know what ill stand for and what i wont. I have power. The power to find solutions and to cause chaos. Every woman has it. But i know im different from all those women cause i know how to use these powers of mine. And which of these powers to use and when. Though i err as much as every human being does. But i have the strength to right myself.

And these are the things that make this woman.

Disgusted

Its getting increasingly harder to understand the world and the people living in it. Their actions, their mindless decisions, their disregard for fellow human beings. Is it really the world that has changed or has it always been like that and ive just grown up enough to see it for what it is? I don't know.

Is it really so hard to control your emotions? Especially when you know they would bring abt undesirable repurcussions? Have humans become so ruthless to build up a life on the ruins of others' and also want to live such a live happily? The human race has become a disgusting revolting lot. We care for no one, we think about no one, we don't worry about what is right and wrong. We are just self obssessed creatures who can feel only for themselves. I wonder if God this coming when he created us.

Im sorry. Im really sorry.

Give me a valid reason and i shall conform without another word. Try to enforce your values and priciples on me just because you want to assert your authority and im not the girl for it. Conformation that comes due to authority is not permenant. Only one that comes out of love and respect for you will remain till the end. Because you will not have that authority for long. and when you dont have it anymore, you wont recognise me after that. And im the one to decide whether you shall have that authority. The point where the ball is no longer in your court has passed long back, its in my court now. But i chose to let you play.

Im sorry im growing up. Im sorry im having a mind of my own and ive started thinking for myself.Im sorry im seeing the outside world and realising all that ive been missing. Im sorry i have feelings, my own principles and values. and im sorry those are different from yours. Im so sorry i dont fear you anymore and im so terribly sorry its not you who is the one controlling me anymore but my love and respect for you. And im sorry im reaching the brink of it and im very afraid i might lose that love and respect.

But should i be apoligizing? Is all of this even my fault?